What Used To Be
by lazy fat kitsune
Summary: people come and go, but true love stays on, for even if they leave you, you'd always remember them.HxK angst beware. COMPLETE AS OF OCTOBER 23RD.
1. Not There Anymore

_**Been listening to this song too many times...whatever it is, I'm literally forced to post this or face the risk of insanity.**_

**_Standard disclaimer applies.  
Song: Don't Speak by No Doubt_**

**_

* * *

_**

**_What Used To Be_**

**You and me**

**We used to be together**

**Every day together always**

I could only watch as you grew more distant with each visit back to the Makai. Plainly, your longing for your homeland surpasses your love for me. I could feel your reluctance every time you come back to Ningenkai.

**I really feel**

**That I'm losing my best friend**

**I can't believe**

**This could be the end**

Yet, as much I wish I could let you go, in truth, I'm too selfish. Maybe I'm wrong to just claim you all to myself. But, you are the best friend and lover I never had since Kurunoe. And I can't bear the pain just yet.

**It looks as though you're letting go**

**And if it's real,**

**Well I don't want to know**

Yet your visits here decreased. I keep telling myself that you still love me, but deep inside, I know better. I guess I just can't face the stark reality just yet. And those confessions of love dwindled to none.

**As we die, both you and i**

**With my head in my hands**

**I sit and cry**

And you wouldn't know now, would you, that in the middle of the night when nobody could see, I would be unable to stop those tears from flowing desperately from my eyes?

You never knew either, how much I despise myself for trapping you in this situation. Or how much I hate you for making me feel that way.

There you are again. I don't understand why you continue to come despite your obvious reluctance to do so.

Your deep voice resonated across my room, making me tremble with such love and hate.

"Kurama, I have something to tell you."

I should have seen this coming. But nothing could prepare me for this. Not now. So I did what I could think of.

**Don't speak**

**I know just what you're saying**

**So please stop explaining**

**Don't tell me 'cause it hurts **

Before you could continue with what you are saying, I pressed my lips to yours, efficiently stopping you from saying anything. And I knew, while you did not love me that way anymore, you still care for me to not hurt me. I smiled at the pure irony of it. That you would not hurt me, but did.

"_When you love someone, you'd let them soar."_

Would you be happier then, Hiei? The answer is inevitable.

Then let this be the last. I wrapped my arms around you one last time, savouring your nearness. Then slowly I let go.

**It's all ending,**

**I gotta stop pretending who we are...**

**

* * *

can you guess who is it?yep, it's our beloved Kurama! now, tell me how was it, whether it sux or whether it's brilliant or just okay...flames would be appreciated...i'm cold...**


	2. Ignorance is Bliss

**_Okies, here's the second chapter! I'm not too sure if it's nice though. so I need feedback asap! If you guys say it's not so good, I'll take it down and rewrite!_**

* * *

**_Ignorance is Bliss_**

Ignorance is indeed bliss. To know more is to hurt more. That is what I so believe. After all, is it not true, especially in this case? For you, unknowing of my still deep love for you, had thought my love for you had faded, just as yours for me had. But no, it remains as strong as it always has. Only, now, it is unrequited.

Did you know, Hiei, that youkos live for a long long time? Much longer than normal demons, in fact. They were literally immortals. Time, in essence is just something insignificant. But, forever is a long time, Hiei. A long time to remember, to regret, to mourn for, to die for.

As Youko Kurama, I had lived for almost a millennium. Human war, demon war, hunger, pain, I had witnessed the horror of it all. I have heartbreak, perhaps more than you did. But, nothing could prepare me this. This utter hopelessness, sorrow, and heartache more than words could convey. I still wake up in the morning, expecting to feel you beside me.

You left. With that look of relief, untainted by guilt. I know, you feared that you would hurt me. I saw the worry in your eyes, earlier. And I could not bear to bind you by my side. I could not bear to see you unhappy. I would and still will do whatever it takes to preserve your happiness, even at the cost of my own.

I feel really tired now. It's been exhausting these few months, more so without you. Maybe it is just me. I don't know. Maybe my will to live is weakening. I know, I'm killing myself inside out. But without you, I just can't find the will to live.

Hmmm…I can hear that soft soothing voice again. I think it is Yusuke. He's been visiting, claiming that I'm sad and that I need company. I'm not sad. I don't need company. I just need you. You. Nothing more, nothing less.

So tired…I just wish Yusuke would leave me alone. Stop shaking me.

Great, now that he stopped, I feel wide awake.

Botan? What are you doing here?

I'm…dead…?

It can't be!

No. Don't tell Hiei. Ask Yusuke not to.

I won't go with you. I'm sorry, Botan. I don't want to go. Not now.

I know I can return to Makai as Youko.

Someday I will. Not now.

I can't face him just yet.

Yes, send my regards to Koenma.

I'll go when I'm ready.

I'll watch over him.

_My one and only love, I still love you._

_I only wish I had one last chance to tell you that.

* * *

_

_**Please, I need feedback, 'cos I don't think it's good. Now what do you think? If it's ok, then I'll continue with the 3rd chapter!**  
_


	3. Alone : Denial

_**Third chapter is in Hiei's POV. Fourth chapter will be the last. Take note of that. Don't review and ask me to continue in the 4th chapter because then I won't be able to resist!**_

_**

* * *

Alone: Denial  
**_

It was pain, a coldness like no other, that seized and enveloped my heart. It was filled with such anguish and immediately I know something bad had happened. In that moment, I had a flash of a painful scene. Tears. A silhouette of someone lying on the floor. He seemed so alone, even though there is another beside him.

Kurama. Alone. From the night I left him, I knew. He is alone amidst the sea of people and friends.

I could still feel his love for me, even as I had left on that fateful nights months ago. I could feel his heart crumble to pieces as he let me go. Yet I had walked away. Without a thought for him. How selfish I was. I thought our love had faded away. How wrong I was.

I had been selfish, only thinking for myself, and abandoning him. Now I'll never have the chance to make it up to him. I'll never be able to tell him how much I still love him, how sorry I am for causing his unhappiness. I did not realize it till now.

Kurama, would you hate me? I am on my way back to you now. I want you back. Scream at me, hit me if you will, but I need you back. I realized my folly too late, I know. Will you take me back?

Where are you? Where have you gone? Why wouldn't anyone tell me where you have gone? Yusuke looks so angry, yet so sad. Why? What happened since I left?

WHERE THE HELL IS HE, KOENMA?

Tell me before you have no chance to.

What!

No.

No.

It can't be…

You lie, Yusuke!

Gods, you lied.

It can't be.

Kurama would never leave me…

He would never…

He isn't supposed to…

Bastard.

* * *

**Yep, that's it for this chapter! Next chapter will be the conclusion. Now if you'll excuse me, I have another story to write on.**

**Wait!**

** Review!  
**


	4. Nothing

* * *

**_Heh, I totally forgot to update this and it had been staying my comp collectiing dust bytes. _**

**_Anyways, sorry for the delay, and here you go. Enjoy. _**

_**

* * *

**_

_**What Used to be**_

_**Nothing**_

Kurama, you lie. You promised. You promised never to leave me alone in this bleak world. You said so, in this game called life, your love for me is the only reality. You bloody liar.

Damn, look what you did. Just because I left you does not mean you can just die like that without a word! Just because I hurt you first does not mean you can break your words to me! Just because I made you sad does not give you the right to make me cry!

So cruel. I should have known. All those years in Ningenkai had softened your youko heart.

You could have said something. You could have stopped me. You know. You know I would have stayed at your word. Damn you and your soft heart!

_**A soft thud, heard amidst the roaring rain as a lone figure fell down to a kneeling position on the wet ground.**_

Please, come back…if you would appear in front of me right now, I would do whatever it takes to make you stay.

Damn it…I'm sorry, Kurama!

Come back…

**_A soft caress on my cheek, so sweet and gentle, so like Kurama._**

Kurama?

_**Then all I felt was…nothing.**_

Kurama…

_**Nothing more.

* * *

**_

_**Gah, angsty again! (whacks self) What is wrong with me? I must write something sunnier...(mumble) Ah...gotta go update on my new story, 'Foundations'. Mochiron, that one is also a HxK ficcie!  
**_

_**Anyways, review, ne?**_


End file.
